Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
"Abducted in Plain Site" & "A Friend of the Family" uncovered realizations of My Own Story.
The story on Peacock hits really close to home and inspired me to tell my story. I kept seeing this trailer on TV, we don't watch a lot of it. We leave it on for background noise, and to make fun of “The Narratives or “The Current Thing”.
My mom always had her CNN on. In fact, I was always told as a kid to be unseen and unheard. Whatever I had to say wasn't as important as what was going on in the world. So crushing, made to feel this way.
I know now that my mom didn't mean to treat me this way. She did the best she could. I always wanted to be closer to my mom. I make sure to listen to my kids when they talk to me. Likewise, I did get to mend my relationship with my mother. We didn't have the deep conversations that I wanted to, but we got to go on one last amazing road trip with her in the summer of 2017 with my kids, my step-dad Jim Dexter. He was like a second father to me, I wish I had more time with them. He passed away 15 days later after my mom did.
As I was seeing this commercial several times, I finally caved and watched it. I knew it was going to be difficult, but I thought that maybe I could learn something.
Boy did I learn some things, it's a very well done series, IMO.
I won't be going into details of my abuse, that's what the Documentary & limited series on Peacock this month are for. Besides, I don't focus on that aspect anymore. I've come a long way in healing from this, and I am still healing. I will never fully be healed. Likewise, I am learning to deal with it, and move forward.
This story is about a naive Religious family in Idaho, and it portrays part of my childhood perfectly, except for some differences. I for one, grew up Baptist. My Father's side was LDS, and he grew up in Kanab, UT. The Linton's, at least the name is well known down in Kanab. I know some of my cousins from there, but never get to see them as they live and work all over the US. Some of my mom's closest side of the family resided in Kansas City, MO & Lincoln, NE.
My mother grew up Lutheran.
My Dad converted from LDS to Baptist in his late teens when he had met a co-worker that convinced him to attend Berean Baptist Church in Sandy, UT.
This is where my parents finally met. My mom's side of the story was when she was younger my dad had moved up to Salt Lake City from Kanab. My mom at the time had never met him. He lived across the street from her on the same street, Sherman Ave. One day my dad's dog got out. My mom opened her front door to leave, but she was interrupted by a dog running through and in came by dad after his dog and said “Sorry, this dog is crazy", and as he picked up his dog he laughed awkwardly and smiled at my mom and left. She said she loved his blue eyes and his smile. She said she could tell that he was such a sweet person just from that. My brother told me around that time - not knowing him, that my dad got him out of a tree in the yard when he was little, my mom was divorced or separated from their Dad.
My parents photo from my first wedding 1997
Years later, they ran into each other at this little Baptist Church in Sandy. They fell in love, I like to believe they fell in love at first sight with the dog incident. Why they never dated is beyond me. My mom was previously married to my siblings' dad, which she remarried after my dad and her first husband Jim Dexter's wife passed. My mom and Dad were married on Valentine's Day 1975, I was born 2 years later, sorry no baby pictures. We lost them all over the years.
... At the time I was writing this, I wanted to ask my mom, I always want to ask her something, I couldn't because she passed away right before the pandemic in December 2019. It's bitter sweet that I finally got closer to her in the final years, but I'm glad I did mend that relationship before she passed. She knew the answers to most questions, she was a “No B. S. Woman, she would tell you what she thought, and not give a Hoot! She was in a nursing home at the time. Yes, I do wonder every day what the actual cause of her death was, but I never even got time to grieve her death, before the Pandemic hit us like a hurricane.
Michelle Anne Gibson
I was about 5-7 years old, I call these the grooming years. This is where the abuser gets close to you. He gave me things, he made sure to include sentimental meaning to every item given to me, and every cool place we went to. I wanted to be like my sister because she was older and cooler. I think she was about 18 or 19 at this time. These were the fun years. We would go to the Zoo, the park, go get Ice Cream, McDonald's, which was my favorite as a kid, but we don't eat there anymore. We eat at home mostly.
I loved the 80s!
The similarities to this story and mine is the manipulation. He would play games with me which in turn would lead to full on sex, or making me perform tasks on him. This happened repeatedly from when I was 9 years old up until I was 15 years old.
I recently learned from watching this that he preyed on my vulnerability & my empathy to care for him when he was hurt. He would start making up things for me to attend to him for. That's all I'm going to say about that part, it's really painful as I just discovered this. I have had a clear mind coming off of my opioids. I chose to take my health back, I've lost 75 lbs, and I was able to get off my blood pressure meds, opioids, that's what took my sister's life. Her addiction won in the end to heroin. I decided I didn't want to go down that same road. I won't speculate, maybe she felt guilty for falling in love with a Monster. Likewise, I have seen evil, and darkness of the unimaginable. This was the best way for me to convey it.
I was a dreamer, I loved movies and music. My all-time favorites were, the Sound of Music, Alice in Wonderland, and The Wizard of Oz. (I still like movies, as long as they are good) I was always excited around the time of my birthday because they would air The Wizard of Oz on TV. I would claim it as my movie. I really resonated with Alice though, especially these days. These were the good childhood days right before the abuse happened. After this, I have snippets of memory. Like a bad VHS tape that won't play correctly. I have a hard time remembering some things, other times my memory is as sharp as a tack. I honestly don't know if it's part of my Dad's side (Early onset Dementia, that was very hard for me to deal with too) IMO, it's from suppressing and stuffing so much and not being able to talk to anyone, even though I wanted to.
Not only that, but I've been on opioids for a back injury that slowly turned into 7 herniated discs and arthritis for about 20 years, but I decided I didn't want to be the victim anymore!
I felt that I had to go this alone, with very little guidance. I did have a few good friends I could talk to, and they are still around today...but sometimes I would withdraw and shut down.
Growing up in the Baptist Church
I quit going to church after this, I also grew up in a very strong LDS neighborhood. Not only that, but I never fit in anywhere!
I guess it was good practice for the current times, I'm a lone wolf, with social butterfly tendencies. I don't need anyone, or anything to tell me what I should, or shouldn't do. Likewise, I had to learn to love myself, because that was so confusing anyway. That took me almost as old as I am now. Simply put, I'm Spiritual not Religious! I believe in miracles, I had 2 children, a boy and a girl. I was told I couldn't have kids. The damage seemed irreversible
... God showed me!
From about 13 - 15 years old, I made good friends with the family down the street and babysat all the time. One summer the family was going on a camping trip down in Southern Utah and then on to Disneyland. I was invited to go with them. My mom was out of town at the time, she traveled frequently for work when I was younger. I was 15 at the time.
I was on the phone with my mom, and asked if I could go with the neighbors on their trip. Her response was that if I went with them, that I wouldn't get to go with my parents in the fall.
I decided to go with Nelson's. (I never told the mother, but wanted to do so badly, as I felt very close to her.)
My mom was furious, and she wanted me home, but couldn't get me home for another week, and at the time my sister and "Mr W" lived in St. George, UT. I had to stay with them and that's when I had to go back to the
Lion's Den, and I was delivered right to the Predator for him to continue what he wanted to do with me. This is what I remember most. I really wanted to stay with the Nelson's where I felt safe. I didn't even get to spend much time with my sister as she was working so much. A week later my mom was able to get me a flight home to SL, UT.
I will never forget that flight, it was a Southwest flight, very turbulent. I remember thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad if that plane went down. Likewise, I haven't felt that way for years, but I guess I did have a little death wish for quite a few years. Furthermore, I was never suicidal, but it doesn't mean I've never thought this world would have been better without me.
It's always important to feel safe and find your Sanctuary!
The last time I had to live with my abuser!
It was an intense situation and I didn't want anyone hurt, but seeing my 70-something year-old dad on top of the dirt bag, giving everything he's got... Besides my dad didn't start the fight, but he damn well finished it with a choke hold. Only to stop "Mr W" from hurting my husband-My current husband that I love deeply. (he took a cheap shot him, by hitting him over the head with a vase)
Bruce Lee would be proud!
Looking back on it now I think my dad had a bit of "Walter White" from "Breaking Bad" persona to him, minus the cancer chemistry teacher, that makes the best meth and sells it to the Cartel. Tough but loving!
My Dad was a Christian man, a God-fearing man. His eyes and smile could light up a room. Everyone that knew my father, loved him and could never find one bad to say about him. I would probably get the worst side of my dad, which wasn't bad at all. I just thought so when I was young. Likewise, I thought he was preaching at me all the time.
Furthermore, I get it now, he studied and loved the Bible and wanted what's best for his daughter.
I was also dealing with my secret nightmare. The secret that no one could know. This made life difficult. I struggled and didn't know why. I stuffed it down, I learned to hide all my life. In fact my body and brain took care of all that for me. As I got older I packed on the pounds.
It's taken years to Overcome!
It was my armor, subconsciously I thought that if I looked hideous then my abuser couldn't touch or harm me any longer. I didn't think about the consequences of that, being bullied and made fun of all through school. It's not that I intentionally wanted to look bad, I just did. When you feel crappy on the inside you want to hide away from everyone. You feel inadequate, not good enough. It doesn't help that society sets this up for everyone to feel this way from advertisements to social media. I was sad and angry all the time. While all the other kids were having fun in school and making friends, I was the loner, I had very few friends, I still cherish these friendships like the movie "Stand by Me", I just never fit into the "In Crowd" like I wanted to. I wanted to be like all the popular girls, their life seemed so effortless and happy, I was always tormented inside.
Nowadays I like that I'm different and don't care. Life is so much more than that. My love for going to church dwindled as the abuse had continued. I tried other non-denominational churches but they never felt as good to me as a drive up the canyon nearby or a deep conversation with a friend. I just never felt like I belonged there either. I discovered alcohol and that was my escape. Now I am in Control and that's so empowering. From my late teens to my late twenties I would run from my thoughts and feelings about my childhood trauma, suppress, run and hide. I'm still learning to process and not look for escape routes.
Synchronous Moment;
like I said before, I couldn't remember the year my parents were married, so I was trying to find my dad's obituary online. I found this young man that shares my father's name:
Here's his blog, it's actually pretty good, IMO
When you search for your Dad's obituary, because you need info for your research on a specific date but come across something valuable:
https://nlinton.net/strengthening-young-peoples-potential-for-positive-community-change/?subscribe=success#subscribe-blog-1
https://m.imdb.com/title/tt3444312/?ref_=ext_shr_lnk
Elton John's mother told him that he never would find love, but that's ok! He found love, just not the kind his parents wanted him to. What is a kid supposed to do that was made to feel, and told they should have never been born over and over?
At 15, I could relate!
https://www.thehopeline.com/verses/sexual-assault/
It's hard to trust after that, Can anyone recommend agencies for victims and let me know if this one is decent?
https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline
There is my heart 💜 on my sleeve, and my background. I wanted my readers to at least know where I am coming from, if you made it through, I commend you. This was very hard for me to put it all out there, but I did it!
Thank you for reading!
This was beautiful thank you for sharing with me. I understand the struggle, the pain and the desire to disappear especially when I was younger. I'm sorry you went through hell but you are so strong. It takes great courage to over come and be who you are today. I love you Becky you are amazing. 💜💜💜
Becky, I am so proud of you for opening up about your abuse. It takes a lot of courage to do that. It means that you are healing because you are getting clean and facing things that you were pushing down for years. Keep facing the truth and the truth will set you free!
I am so grateful to have met you back in the 5th grade and that we are still friends to this day. I never felt like you judged me at all about anything, even when I was a raging alcoholic. I too was trying to numb the pain from my sexual abuse as a child. I guess that's why God put us together. I'm so grateful for you and that you're my bestie! You have one of the biggest most beautiful hearts on the planet. Keep shining your beautiful light!